Today is my last day of leisure and tomorrow I will begin my graduate studies in international business. On one hand, I am scared to enter into this intense program. On the other hand, I want to begin this journey and actually do what I am here to do. The past week has been wonderful but completely unfocused. It almost feels like a lonely vacation. Here goes nothing.
This morning I woke up to dry eyes and an excitement for the year to come. I didn’t shut my shades last night so the sun beamed through my entire apartment which is decorated primarily in yellow. There was a cool breeze coming through my window and the smell of fall filled the air. I am so thankful for the peace I have. For the first time I did my beauty ritual and put on my makeup and ventured outside. What was I in search for? Internet and a Tall Skim White Chocolate Mocha no whip. AKA A Starbucks. But really, I wanted to get lost. I wanted to introduce myself to you and see what you had to offer me and what I have to offer in return. The first half hour was disorienting but I turned a corner and found myself on Commonwealth Ave. As I passed the brownstones I realized I couldn’t hold back my smile. I must have looked like an idiot in the middle of the busy street in a city known for not only it’s cold weather but cold personality. However, I am not one who can hide my true self very easily. So I smiled, said hello to doormen, nodded at traffic cops, and walked up the street of people dressed in dark fall colors and Red Sox jerseys with my bright yellow backpack. (I’m a little gaudy…it’s a part of my charm though)
After walking on an overpass on Massachusetts Ave, I started seeing people carrying violin and guitar cases, and the fashion changing from Red Sox jerseys and power suits to bohemian and leather. Yep, I am near Berklee College of Music and New England Conservatory. After 25 years as a singer, traveling all the way to Boston, and making it into International Business school I am in musician central. The past couple months have been difficult. I earned my bachelor degree in jazz music and knew that the change to a masters in international business was in God’s will. But I didn’t know what that change meant for music. Do I leave it behind? Were the 4 years of undergrad a waste? How do I put music aside? It was my identity for years and even after that idol was removed, there is no denying the fact that God made me an artist. I am creative, crazy, and absorb most of life through music. After many prayers and reflections I simply had faith that by some miraculous turn of events, it would all make sense someday. Having stumbled on this part of town, I see fully that I don’t need to put those parts of me to bed. I don’t have to kill the parts that God put in me. However strange and varied my path has been so far, God has a plan that makes complete sense. This little journey to this section of town was a wonderful reminder of that. I have faith that God has a good plan for me, not only because I may have a great job at the end of this masters, or that somehow my love for music and what I will learn will combine and make a life on this earth. I know he has a good plan for me because he is determined to use me for his glory. I went out today and got a little lost but I found grace, a little bit more about myself, and a tall soy white chocolate mocha (no whip).
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Love and Blessings,
Michelle
As my parents pulled away from my apartment building I felt the tears welling up. By the time I reached the elevator 3 tears streamed down my cheeks. At the sound of my apartment door closing, full on sobs erupted out of me. The pain was indescribable. I could not believe I was voluntarily leaving my safe zone, my home, the loves of my life: My parents. I still don’t have internet in my apartment and I decided not to have a TV in my apartment, so there was no escape and no self medicating as an option. But the time was precious. Some of the most honest prayer I have had in a while took place. I heard the Lord and felt him soothe me and like every good cry, it ended with an amazing nap. I woke up to 4 great conversations. One with my sister Carm, who after asking her “How long should I be sad” responded ” I think you should be at the end of sad…right about…now”. The second was with my dear friend Mary, who brought up every other subject to distract me from my life. The The third with a pastor that was so kind to me by reminding me that the God loves me and will provide a family away from home. The fourth with my friend Rena, who let me care for her. It not only drew me away from my situation but also reminded me that there are people waiting for me at home. I am still tied to them, and not the spikey, unhealthy, and unpleasant ties; but loving ties.
